"Nobody likes you."
"You will prove yourself bold and valiant. In your dreams, sucka!"
"The sly fox steals upon the chicken coop when you are asleep. The rooster cries, 'Wake up! Wake up!' But you do not hear him. You so lazy!"
"Your fortunes will increase, then rapidly vanish."
"The wise man avoids your company."
"Myriad paths are offered to every human being. Stay off my property."
"The contemplative life holds many surprises. Prepare for bad news!"
"Instant Kharma gonna get you. Just add alcohol."
"The world is a living creature to be respected and treated with care. Are you still here?"
"A stream frets not over its choices, but follows its course without care or question. Are you still living in your mother's basement?"
"Eat, eat, eat. Just look at yourself!"
"In the afterlife, you will seek Nirvana and find it wanting. Kurt Cobain will kick your sorry spirit ass."
"Your deeds on earth are few and pitiful."
"All things must come to an end. I know where you can get razor blades cheap."
"The clever employee does his heavy drinking BEFORE work."
"The birds of the air, the beasts of the field, the fish of the sea, the scum of the earth. Which one are you?"
"Nature maintains balance in all things. Your parents stopped having children after they got a good look at you."
"Paper cut! Ha! Gotcha!"
"(This fortune intentionally left blank. Like the look on your face.)"
"If a tree falls in the forest and it lands on your head and kills you, does it make a difference to anyone?"
"You're supposed to take this out BEFORE you eat the cookie."
"When a child is born, it seeks truth, beauty and enlightenment. Few will become as stupid as you are."
"How's my serving? Dial 1-800-YOU-SUCK"
"An old friend will stop speaking to you. A new friend will speak to you about Amway."